You sit comfortably and watch the dishes go by. You pick what looks appealing.

If you’re curious, you look more carefully and read whatever description is provided.

If an interesting one slips by without your snagging it, soon another option appears right in front of you. You don’t even have to move.

In fact, more often than not, the same dish will come back in a little while.

But once contact is made you can’t just put it back. You have to at least entertain liking it, if only briefly. Then you can dump it if it’s not to your taste.

Having a steady flow of potentially yummy options has pros and cons. A pro is you may be introduced to something you might not have sought out. You may be delightfully surprised — or disappointed.

Or having this unending flow may make you pickier, as you know what you do and don’t want. The problem can be what you want isn’t on the conveyor belt. Perhaps you want — really want — tacos. But you’re at a sushi bar. No matter how long you wait, you’re never going to find what you’re looking for.

But if you want sushi — even uncommon sushi — you are likely to come across what you seek. You may just have to wait a while and be relentless in continuing to look, even when faced with dish after dish of what isn’t appealing to you. Or you may have to go to another sushi bar.

You may even try entertaining several dishes at the same time. If so, it allows you to compare and contrast before deciding on a favorite.

Just like a sushi bar, online dating takes clarity of what you want, balanced with a willingness to try something you might not have thought you’d like. It takes alertness to be engaged in the process, not ignoring what’s in front of you. If you have the attitude that the right dish will just fall in your lap, you’ll be disappointed.

So keep up your vigilance and continue your search, even when nothing looks good to you. Distract your hunger by engaging with friends, but continue to keep your eyes open to what’s presented to you. You never know when what you want is in front of you and you have to snatch it quickly.

And when you get what you want, don’t forget to thank the sushi chef.

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His profile listed his name as “Micheal” (sic). But his first email was signed “Gerald.” When I asked him about the discrepancy, he admitted his name was, indeed, Micheal. He said, “I just didn’t feel it was right to go ahead with my real name at first.”

Didn’t he realize everyone he contacted would see his name was listed as Micheal?

The irony was clinched when he also wrote, “Honesty is and always has been the best policy for me.” So dude, don’t you think lying about your name is dishonest? And dig this, he signed this email — in which he admitted his name was Micheal — as Gerard.

What’s up with this?

If we set aside the yellow flags that this is a scammer, and take it that he is a regular guy, how can someone really not see the irony in claiming that honesty is the best policy then lying about one’s name? Repeatedly?

Some men make it easy to pass on them. Then they wonder why there aren’t any “good women out there.” Maybe the good women are too smart to fall for dishonest men!
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You’ve heard such a being exists. But you have yet to encounter one. Not that you haven’t tried. Relentlessly.

You’ve hunted in the places you’ve heard they frequent. To no avail.

You mean them no harm. You would lavish one with love, affection and devotion if you were just to find one.

You hear some are skittish because they don’t like the thought of being captured, thus giving up their comfortable life in the wild. But then, they also like the benefits of a reliable companion to play with.

Many imposters have come your way, pretending to be the creature you seek. They say they are mature, thoughtful, financially secure, introspective, caring, healthy (mentally and physically), unattached and want to please. But you have yet to find one that has these seemingly simple characteristics. They are chameleon-like in that they appear this way to begin with, but then their colors change after a short while.

You have seen some who have been captured by others and most seem happy. The benefits of a warm home, dependable meals, and regular loving outweigh their desire for an untamed lifestyle. If their handler allows them to taste the wild life once in a while with their fellow domesticated ones, they seem satisfied.

So how do you find one of these rare, uncaptured creatures? The only ones left in the wild seem unwilling to give up their wild ways. And when the domesticated ones find themselves free again, they seem to want to stay wild as long as possible.

Don’t be daunted by those who pretend to be the unique treasure you want. Keep up your quest. Yours is out there, longing for the right companion.

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Susan Sarandon at age 65

I feel  a special connection with Susan Sarandon. Not that I look anything like her nor do I share her movie-star lifestyle. I met her when I was doing some work at Miraval, Oprah’s favorite spa, in the hills north of Tucson, AZ. She was there for a week with her daughter. We chatted a bit in the women’s changing room after our individual spa treatments. She was warm, gracious and down to earth — even dressed in only a bathrobe!
 
She appeared in this week’s People Magazine. In the article, she discusses many topics. I was fascinated by her comments on sexiness at age 65. Of course she doesn’t look how most of us would think 65 looks. Must be those Miraval spa treatments!

I realize women (and men) are reinventing how all ages look now. Instead of 60 being the new 50, some are even going for 40! Will our looks soon be sealed at a certain age, never going beyond, say, 40? It seems that’s what’s Joan Rivers is going for! With the prevalence and more affordability of plastic surgery, more people are opting to stop the outward aging process.

But Susan’s philosophy on sensuality and sexiness go beyond her appearance. Regarding sensuality, she says, “It’s really more of an attitude than it is being naked.”
 
When asked for her reaction to being described as sexy. “I’m happy to be considered desirable. I love it!” What is her secret? “Breasts certainly help … but it’s really more of an attitude. Sexuality means that you’re saying yes to life.”

I think she hit the nail on the head. Saying yes to life means you are vibrant and vital and trying new things. It means you have zest, which is very appealing. You’re actively embracing new experiences, which means you’re putting out vibes that say you’re open to being embraced — by a sweetie.

In dating, men tell me they are looking for a sexy woman. And we all know that sexiness is really all in our own head.

Do you feel sexy now? Did you stop feeling sexy at a certain age? Why?

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When one has been single and dating around for a while, it’s easy to make life choices around that single status. When you don’t have a sweetie, it’s hard to think in terms of “us” and “we” since that isn’t your current situation.

Yet if you are actively seeking a partner you want to make decisions that will be inclusive of having someone regularly in your life.

This was the attitude I’ve adopted as I begin a master bath remodel. It would be easy to think, “I don’t need a big bathtub because it’s only me.” It takes some future thinking to say, “I want a two-person tub and two shower heads” when right now it’s only you.

When you explain your needs to suppliers, they immediately assume you’re in a relationship so ask how tall your partner is, and other questions that seem natural to help you make decisions. It’s a tad awkward to say, “I don’t know how tall he is because I haven’t found him yet.”

In some circles, this attitude is called “holding the space” for the possibility to become reality. If you close the space — mental as well as physical — it will be harder for someone to come into your life. For example, I have empty drawers on my ex’s side of the bedroom so when a new man enters my life, he’ll know I have planned for him to be there without my having to rearrange my life.

Of course, I will have to rearrange parts of my life. But if I can move forward with him in mind, he will fit more easily.

Does this mean I would plan for my beloved to move in with me? Not necessarily. But there would be some period where we share each others’ space. And when that happens, I want my home to be as comfortable and accommodating to both our needs as possible.

And who knows, he may have an even bigger tub and dual shower heads!

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After swimming in the dating pool for a while, you begin to wonder why some people even say they are “swimming” too. They behave in ways that show they are still on the pond banks, even though they’re acting like they are in the pool.

What do these behaviors look like?

• He lists himself as single on an online site.
• He makes contact via email, phone, IM and/or text.
• He responds to you in a timely manner.
• He sets a time and place to meet
• He says he’s really looking forward to seeing you.

But then he gets cold feet. Some let you know ahead of time. Others just don’t show.

Why does this happen? It could be several reasons:

• He’s got a wife/girlfriend/someone he’s dating but isn’t meeting all his needs — usually sexual.
• He’s talking to several women and another one has emerged as better (e.g., easier).
• He just likes the chase, but isn’t really interested in meeting someone.
• He’s looking for someone to scam and you are too savvy for that.

How can you avoid these folks? As I discuss in Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates, you need to vet him as much as possible before putting much time into him. If he tells you conflicting information or something smells fishy, proceed cautiously, if at all. Sometimes it’s best to not even bother meeting if your gut is telling you something is awry.

Unfortunately, we can’t totally avoid these imposters. I thought I’d found a good guy this week. He said he was a veteran officer, now paramedic, starting his own business. He was smart, attentive, funny — my kind of guy. He was tall and I liked his looks.

After a number of calls, emails, IMs, and texts we set a  coffee meeting at 3:30 yesterday. He said he had one errand to do on his drive from his town to mine. He didn’t know how long the errand would take, but he was certain he’d be done in time for our meeting. He’d call at 3:00 to confirm his ETA.

At 2:44 I got a text saying, “Heading back to [my town]….will call in a few..so very sorry.”

I never heard from him again. So “will call you in a few” must mean a few decades to him, not a few minutes as most of us would think. I was a little concerned something happened to him, so I called him at 4:30 — it went to voice mail.

When I shared this with a male friend, he was shocked at this inconsiderate behavior. I told him it was, unfortunately, more the norm than an exception. There are many reasons for it. Even with a lot of knowledge about dating, it’s still hard to not be hoodwinked every once in a while. You’ve got to be careful to not become hardened, suspicious and cynical.

How have you learned to weed out those not really interested in dating, even though they say they are? What are the signs you look for?
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I sent this picture and to a mattress-salesman friend — who’s also a single hunk. I suggested this offer might help him sell more beds.

But aside from my smart alecness, it made me wonder if men saw this exchange similar to dinner and a dalliance. If the man buys the goods (lunch), he then gets the bonus (lovemaking). Buy a woman quiche, get a quickie. Some BBQ gets you a boff. A bit of food yields fornication. Din-din earns sin sin.

Much has been written about this unstated quid pro quo. As a young woman in the middle of the sexual revolution, I was advised that if a man bought me dinner, then dessert should be me!

Luckily, in midlife most have us have evolved past this tit-for-tat thinking. But occasionally I come across a man who expects to come back to my place after a first date. I now know that it has little to do with his attraction to me, but more a sign of his horniness — as long as the woman he’s with isn’t odious, he’ll at least try to get her in bed.

This is one of the reasons I rarely accept a first date dinner invitation. I’ve found some men expect reciprocity of the physical kind. When they try to extract their “payment,” not only does it feel tawdry, but it reeks of gentrified prostitution.

Have you found midlife men expect intercourse after the third course? Cavorting after cappuccino? A romp after ravioli? Share your stories.

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When dating, it’s common to get one’s hopes up at the beginnings of a new connection. If things go right at the start, we’re encouraged that the relationship will blossom.

But what if there are hiccups near the beginning? Giving grace is admirable. However, what if there are too many to continue with that forgiving attitude?

Case in point — a recent smart, funny, right-aged and conversationally appropriate man contacted me online. He started with a fun email listing specific details from my profile. I soon offered my phone number and he called. In our chats he shared the conversation, even seeming to listen to my responses.

After a week, he said he’d like to meet me. We compared calendars and agreed on lunch that Friday. Thursday he texted that he was at a client’s site about 20 minutes from my house and he was going to work there late. I told him to let me know when and where we were to meet the next day.

Hearing nothing back from him that evening nor Friday morning, at 12:15 I texted him, “Should I eat lunch at home?” He said, “Yes. I’m still at the client’s office. I’ll call you when….” I interpreted that as “…when I know I’ll be done with this client and we can meet.” I thought it would be that day.

I busied myself for the afternoon, thinking we’d get together for coffee, a drink or dinner that evening. I realize this was total conjecture on my part, but he’d been clear he wanted to meet that day.

At 5:30 I texted him that I needed to plan the rest of my evening so to let me know what he was thinking about our getting together. I got no response.

Monday he texted that he knew he was in trouble with me. He had been working on the client’s problem all weekend. How could he make it up to me?

I was irritated. He didn’t have 2 minutes to call or text me what was happening? I found this highly inconsiderate. Was I not being understanding? Was I being too rigid? I didn’t think so, but on the off-chance I was, I decided to give him another shot. Forgiving doesn’t come easily to me when I feel slighted and know it’s a muscle I need to develop. So I resumed the calls and texts.

He said he’d make it up to me — would I like a foot massage, flowers, or just him groveling? He was trying to be funny. Would I consent to letting him take me to lunch that Friday? OK. I’d give him another chance. I told him when I look forward to something, as I had our lunch, and it doesn’t happen, I feel like Charlie Brown having Lucy snatch the ball from underneath his kick. He said he understood.

He texted me Friday morning to see if I was available for a call. I immediately texted yes, in 10 minutes. I called and left a message on his voice mail. That’s the last I heard from him until Tuesday — Valentine’s Day!!!! –  when he texted, “Do you have time for me today?” I had a full day scheduled. And besides, who asks for a first date on Valentine’s Day for that same day? I wrote back, “Since I didn’t get a response to my email nor voice mail on Friday after you said you wanted to get together, I figured you’d thrown me under the bus. It doesn’t work for me when I’m left hanging, with no communication for days.”

So he is gone. It’s sad after you’ve had some initial good interactions with someone then they jack you around. You want to be able to forgive hiccups, but you know if you let inconsiderate behavior go it will just be repeated. You have to take a stand for a minimum behavior that’s acceptable to you.

What’s your experience with dealing with repeated inconsiderate behavior? How many times do you forgive before cutting off the person?
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It’s upon us again.

Every year in the gloom of winter we fight the unwelcome bulges resulting from over-indulging in holiday treats. We trudge through rain, sleet and/or snow to our commitments, praying Spring will come early as relief.

Just as the world could not seem harder or bleaker, it sneaks up on us and stages an attack. We know we shouldn’t be caught off guard, as it happens every year, at the same time.

What is this dreaded event?

Valentine’s Day.

At least it can be dreaded by those who are sweetieless on that day.

So what’s a hopeful romantic to do when the world seems filled with couple-centered love, and you are uncoupled?

You can either embrace the spirit of the day or eschew it.

Here are a few ideas if you choose the former:

• Make everyone you care about your valentine. Either buy or make physical cards or notes, or send electronic versions. The point is to make someone else feel your love. Even a smile and a “Happy Valentine’s Day” will go far to lift someone’s spirit.
• Wear red and/or hearts in abundance. Stand out (tastefully and job-appropriate, of course) in your declaration of the day anointed as a celebration of love. If red’s not your color, pink or even purple will suffice.
• When walking to/from buildings/transportation, play love songs on your iPod/phone loudly enough for others to hear — barely — but not blaring. Quietly sing along as others approach and smile at them. If s/he sings along, stop and join in a duet. Or, if the urge hits, dance a little and even spin the other. The point is to spread happiness.

If you are more of an eschewer:

• Work to not get irritated if you encounter an embracer practicing the above (or similar) activities. Be zen. Let them do what they do. If you come upon someone like this, don’t glare or bark, just nod and keep going.
•  Don’t feel you have to join in with others if you don’t want to. There’s no law that says celebrating Valentine’s Day is mandatory. Just don’t rain on others’ parades.
• Listen to some of Adele’s songs that remind you that many love stories end up in heartbreak. You don’t have to share this world view with romantics, but you’ll remind yourself that you’re not ready to have a sweetie right now.

What do you do for Valentine’s Day when you’re in between sweeties?

(For other ideas, see Ideas for Women Who Are Sweetie-less for Valentine’s Day.)
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Long-time reader Richard sent me an email posing some interesting issues about how men and women see and need love and respect differently. Here’s part of our exchange.

Richard: “Society has been focusing on “love” (which is great for women), but men have a basic need for “respect”.

“Guys know that they have to show love to successfully court a woman. Do women realize how to successfully court a man? The man needs the praises (respect) of the woman to build him up so that he can be all that he can be. Men give love to the woman, and the quid pro quo is that the woman gives respect back to the man.”

DG: “I struggled with this in my marriage. I gave my now-ex lots of acknowledgement and kudos. However, he also did lots of things I didn’t respect, but I kept my mouth shut. In our final counseling session he said I didn’t respect him. I told him there were lots of things I respected about him but a few I didn’t.

“So what does a woman do when she truthfully doesn’t respect everything her man does?”

Richard: “Love is natural to a woman [but not to a man]. Respect is not natural for the woman….

“While the woman may not respect everything her man does, she is still to treat him with respect. Just like she may not be totally lovable, but he is still to treat her with unconditional love.

“When things are working, her respect of him causes him to love her more. His love for her causes her to respect him more. Similarly, if she is disrespectful to him, he may withdraw and be unloving to her. His unloving of her causes her to be more disrespectful of him. Break the negative cycle, and the relationship can be restored. The more difficult problem is when one person is being loving/respectful, and the other is not.”

DG: “I can’t respect someone who continually acts in ways that don’t garner respect. If they are lazy, self-absorbed, unconscious or uncaring about how their behaviors negatively affect me and others, I don’t respect those acts. It doesn’t mean I will treat the person disrespectfully, but it means I won’t respect them.”

I have more questions than answers. I’m thinking that, for me, respect and love are intertwined — at least for a mate. It’s hard for me to love and want to be with someone I don’t respect.

Readers, what’s your take on love vs respect?

(P.S.: I’ve edited Richard’s comments for brevity so don’t take him to task if I’ve misrepresented his comments.)

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